Friday, September 28, 2012

Vulnerability and Intimacy--part 1 of 3

My daughter-in-law posted an adorable video of my 4 year-old grandson, Ethan, promising his mother that he'd always snuggle with her..when he's 14, and when he is 50.  I am ashamed to admit that my first thoughts were negative.  They had nothing to do with Ethan or my DIL...but were all about me and how I react to such intimate and vulnerable moments like that.  Truth is....I thought it was the sweetest and most innocent video I'd ever seen. I hope it holds true!  I'd wished my own mother would have said such things to me, even though I am an old turd.

I began to think about the most intimate and vulnerable moments I'd ever experienced.  I thought about the birth of both of my boys.  No question!

Most mom's can relate to the birthing experience.  I was no different.  Unfortunately, with my first son, Mike...the doctor was a dipwad.  I was practically passed out by the time he arrived.  He was bruised and unhappy..unable to nurse..and I was just 17.  I am positive that it made a difference in the way we related to one another over the years.  I have tons of guilt about it.  I would walk down to the nursery and stare at him..all bruised and with the BIG head.  I felt like a loser...but I looked at him and thought..wow, you are one tough little boy!  I just kept thinking..."he is a part of me..my own blood".

He had the cutest smile, and had curly hair down his neck.  I would just sit and rock him..did not want to put him down as I was afraid he wouldn't wake up.  We'd both fall asleep in the rocker...and in the morning, I'd put him in his crib and get on with my morning..stopping to feed him and rock him.  His dad worked out of town...his life story.  I would often take Mikey to bed with me..and listen to his breath...so afraid he would stop breathing. I would even take him with me into the bathtub..making sure the water was not too warm..he would lay on my chest and belly.   I don't know why?  I just felt that way.  I know I didn't get much sleep his first year!

I used to sing The Water Is Wide for Mikey...probably why he loves speed metal today!








3 comments:

Mel said...

seeing if the comment section works.

Paula Wooters said...

I think we are most vulnerable where are children are concerned. (And feel the most guilt over little things that we perceive we may have done to injure them in some way.)

Cape Coop said...

You have the most tender heart of anyone I know. YOU are a real light.