Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Lab Blues

I spent the night at a sleep center and am dog-tired. I planned on taking a picture of myself, after I was all hooked up..but it was even too frightening for me to look at. I don't know why they call it a sleep lab. I hardly slept.

After I was glued, taped, and 'plugged-in', the tech tells me to relax and go to sleep on my back. I protest.."I never sleep on my back..I sleep on my tummy". He tells me that will not work. I had just watched a video which said, "once you are ready, just sleep like you normally do". Right. So, an hour later I hear this voice that softly says, "okay Miss Koontz, you can turn on your side". Ha! There is a God after all. I turn on my side..move the wires around a bit, pull an extra pillow next to me..and I actually drift off to sleep. 90 minutes later I am barely awake when I hear that same soft voice say, "okay Miss Koontz, try to sleep on your back now please". So, no God after all.

I lay there, with my eyes closed, telling myself to sleep. Here is a brief summary of the dialogue that went on (in my head) for almost 60 minutes, the first time I had to go to sleep:

'Think of pleasant things. I am at the beach, there is a warm breeze and it is about 6pm. The waves go back and forth slowly. Slowly! God, slow down waves. Shit, I can almost feel the water and sand on my face. Some kid hits me with a beach ball. I can barely walk thru the sand. I am going home. Shit, I am stuck in traffic now. I should've stayed to see the sunset. I am too quick to rush into decisions...I could be on the beach enjoying a nice sunset but instead I am stuck in traffic. Mel..think of nice things. You aren't in traffic. You are in a green meadow with lots of is barely 9 a.m. There is still dew on the leaves and the sun shines like Spackle through the trees. Spackle? That can't be right. That reminds me of those months I spent re-plastering the house on Peck. Jesus..that about killed me. How in the hell did my mom remodel an entire house at that age..she knocked out the walls and everything. Of course, she did have a few heart attacks.'t go there! Okay, you are in the meadow..laying down looking up at the sky. It's a beautiful day. Chiggers..there are damned chiggers in this grass'. I am already itching all over. Reminds me of the times in Illinois when we'd get bit up by those damned things. (I begin to scratch my legs..and the tech comes in to re-apply one of the electrodes on my leg). I finally turn on my back, and it goes on.

I wonder if what I am thinking makes the EEG go crazy? Okay..imagine if someone breaks thru the door here..they have a knife and begin to run through all of these rooms, randomly stabbing each of us. We are wired for sound but can't move. Oh shit Mel..knock it off. That's crazy. If that did happen though, my cell is in my purse..and besides, I always keep it off and by the time I got it on I'd be dead probably..Dave wouldn't hear the phone anyway. He never does. Well, I should call 911 before I call Dave. I remember that time I called 911 when there was that fight in our old neighborhood..they put me on hold. God those neighbors were a pain..putting off illegal fireworks on the 4th..burned a hole in our roof which we found when Jer and I fixed the place up. God..that was hard work. My back aches just thinking about lifting all of that sheet rock. And painting those damned ceilings...never again. Although, I should paint at least a few walls in our new that one I saw on HGTV that I liked. I think the colors were sort of earth tones..but that is sooooo boring. I wonder what the EEG would do if I thought about sex? God, I hope they can't tell what I am thinking about..exactly. Of course they can't. There was that one guy..Kurt who was so damn fine and the time I gave sexy Dawn a whirl. Both damned great sexual experiences...great bodies. Of course, I had a pretty great body then. Shit,how am I supposed to sleep now? I have let myself go. I need that eye lids hang too low. What is wrong with me? Stop it Mel! Don't think like that. You are a wonderful, beautiful, woman. You have a wonderful, gorgeous husband who loves you. You have two gorgeous grand kids. I wish I didn't snore..wish I wasn't here.

Soft voice says, "Miss Koontz, do you need to use the restroom?" There is a God!

They say I slept about 5-6 hours total..hard to believe. I don't think I ever reached past REM to deep sleep..but I'll find out in a few days. I am going to wash the glue out of my hair and take a nap..and think of pleasant things..and sleep in my normal position. Sweet dreams.


Eileen and Sue said...

Great thoughts! Your about the 3rd person I know who has taken a sleep test.

Hahn at Home said...

Yeah. Right you were going to get a good night's sleep. Uh huh. I'll be interested to hear how things turned out on their tests.

But, you did have cool PJs and that's what really counts.

Donna H said...

Just found your blog after visiting Hahn. I couldn't stop laughing. I've often wondered how someone sleeps thru those studies.

Donna H

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

My pj's were cute, however, I had to put two wires down the front, then down my undies, then down the legs..which were then glued in place. It ruined the fashion statement I was trying to make.

Come morning, I did tell Ray he could call me by my first name..since we'd just spent the night together. He blushed! I was impressed that I KNEW his name.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

Hey donna,

I laughed too..while writing it.