Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Blue Light Special.....Priceless

I stole this from Lori Hahn (http://www.hahnathome.com) who took it from Tammi Jo. It's too good not to be repeated!!

Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Caltech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

The last time I heard someone going on like that it was Archie Bunker!

Eileen and Sue said...

That is great! I'm coming with you all.. Charlie can stay with the Red States.

Anonymous said...

It generalized the same way Archie would have grouped all the blacks, Jews, Hispanic, etc. I'm guessing there was at least one vote for McCain or some other Republican in the state of California.

Fortunately, after listening to Obama's speech tonight, he is much more opened-minded than the author of that piece.

PS: I voted Obama and live in a RED state.

Nuf said.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

AAARCHIE!!!

Holy crap..never thought I'd ever come close to being compared to him...or anything I posted.

Just call me Meat Head I guess.

Well, I am sad and happy this morning. Prop 8 was voted in...but so was Obama. I think I'll just light a fire (in my fireplace) and meditate for a bit.

Anonymous said...

yeah like being from kansas is like being a minority

some people dont appreciate satire if they arent on the right side of it i guess

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

I grew up in red states, I went to college and grad school in a red state, and I briefly lived in Texas and Oklahoma. It was a tough life for a liberal like me. :)

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

BTW, just in case someone didn't get it...this article was satire at its best. I know there are many beautiful red states with wonderful humans residing there.